Shades of Olivia
by Skyscraper77
Summary: A series of one or two-shots that will revolve around Olivia. Various people will be included. There may be some smut and trigger warnings but I'll put them at the top of those specific chapters. She will be paired with different people friendship and relationship wise. Just little odds and ends, changing up scenes up.
1. Destructive Behavior

She leaned on the cold concrete column surrounding the roof. It was around midnight and all the other detectives had left. The air was cool against her leather jacket. Her jeans hugged all her curves perfectly even though she'd gained a small amount of weight over the past year.

She took another deep breath, letting the smoke fill her throat and lungs before she blew it out. It was a habit she'd picked up a few months ago, but lately, she did it more and more. So far, she hadn't gotten caught and Cragen hadn't ordered drug tests for them in years. She wasn't even sure she'd care if she got caught.

Her eyes continued to dilate and she started to feel better, fuzzy but better. She looked down and watched the traffic below her. So many bright lights. This seemed to be a better way to dull the pain rather than the bourbon or vodka. She silently wondered what it would have been like if her mother had chosen marijuana instead, if she'd been easier to live with, more fun?

She heard the roof top door behind her creak open but she didn't flinch. She didn't try to hide her joint. If she was caught, then she was caught.

It wasn't until the figure come closer to her that her body froze. She didn't pick up on it at first, but her body had. Within seconds she smelled his cologne. Her nostrils flared with the sent. She maintained her stance and continued to look forwards.

He walked up beside her and leaned over on the concrete column as well, mirroring her position.

Her hazel hair cascaded around her shoulders as she continued to smoke.

" _I'd heard you were bad off…_ " he started, " _but I was told it was alcohol not… this…_ " he said to her, gesturing the drug in her hand.

" _It takes the edge off,_ " she told him. He let out a disappointed sigh.

" _Fin must be real desperate…_ " she concluded out loud.

" _He's worried and frankly so am I… drinking almost every day, passing out, coming to work hungover… that's not you, Liv._ " He told her.

" _You've been gone a year… things change…_ " she told him lightly as she took another drag, this time turning her head to her right, finally looking at him. She gently blew the line of smoke directly in his face. He held her gaze, not moving but also held his breath until the smoke passed. She looked back down at the traffic.

" _If Cragen gets wind of this…_ " he warned her slowly but she already knew the threat, the risk she was taking.

" _Who's gonna tell him?_ " She questioned. " _You, Elliot?_ " giving him a side glance but she knew better than that. He wouldn't rat her out, if anything, he'd try to get her help. Help that she didn't want or need.

" _I'm told your drink of choice is vodka? Is that right?_ " he asked, sadness in his voice. Sadness for her and for him, for them all because if that was the path Olivia was choosing, then she knew it only ended one of two ways, and he could guess at which one she was leaning towards.

Olivia finished off her blunt, put it out, and chunked it over the side of the building. She turned around and leaned back against the concrete, crossing her arms over her chest. She was biting her lip, this wasn't a conversation she cared to have, she had just wanted to get high and go home.

She looked at him, giving Elliot a sad smile acknowledging that his last statement was correct.

He huffed and stood up straight, wiping his hand down his face before he tucked both hands in his jeans pockets.

" _You can't do this, Olivia._ " He told her.

She just smiled again. Maybe it was the high, or maybe it was the fact that she really didn't care anymore.

" _Tell me this isn't because of me…_ " he begged her, with pain etched into his face. " _Please…_ " he whispered.

Olivia gave him another small smile, but this time it was sad. She didn't want to admit she'd felt things for him and she surly didn't want to admit that he'd been her downfall.

She swallowed hard.

" _It wasn't all you…_ " she told him honestly. " _It just started with you and… now it's turned into something else…_ "

" _Christ, Olivia…_ " he whispered. " _I didn't know it would do this to you, that it'd hurt you this bad… that my leaving would… break you._ " Elliot told her.

" _Stop._ " She demanded, holding up her hands.

Elliot took a long, ragged, deep breath. He was frustrated and didn't know what to do. This woman who had been his constant friend for twelve years looked unrecognizable. She'd changed, her body, her demeanor, her face. She looked like a walking ball of stress and anxiety but then again, she didn't look like she gave two fucks about anyone including herself.

She walked a few steps away from Elliot and sat on top of the concrete column. It wasn't the safest but is wasn't the most dangerous either, she wouldn't fall. Olivia pulled out a pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes from her jacket pocket and put one in her mouth. She grabbed the blue lighter from her other pocket and began to light it.

Elliot's eyebrows rose in surprise.

" _Wow… you've just picked up a ton of great habits since I left huh, Liv?_ " he said sarcastically and she almost laughed at him.

He walked over to her cautiously standing in front of her. He grabbed the pack of cigarettes that she'd laid beside her on the concrete. Olivia half expected him to chunk them over the side. What she didn't expect, was for him to pop a cigarette in his mouth, take the lighter out of her hand, and light up.

Now it was her turn to raise her eyebrows in surprise.

" _Be careful,_ " she told him. " _Looks like my bad behavior is rubbing off on you…_ " She gave him a knowing look.

" _I'll live,_ " he told her. " _But you won't if you keep this vodka thing up._ " He said, taking a puff from his cigarette and blowing out the smoke.

" _Kathy's gonna be pissed if you come home smelling like cigarettes,_ " she told him, changing the subject.

" _Kathy will get over it._ " He replied easily.

He remained standing in front of her sitting form. A bout of silence engulfed them as they both smoked their cigarettes. She knew if she wasn't high then she'd probably be emotional from seeing him for the first time in over a year. There was a good chance that she'd think it was all a dream when she woke up tomorrow.

" _Liv,_ " he called to her, breaking her out of her daze. " _I can handle the cigarettes and the pot._ " He told her. " _The drinking though…_ " he trailed off.

" _I know…_ " she whispered to him, refusing to make eye contact. " _I have to get it under control…_ "

" _Can you?_ " he asked her honestly, moving his neck to catch her eyes. When he finally did, he continued. " _Can you get it under control or are you too far gone with it? Be honest with me._ " Elliot stated.

Olivia huffed. She hated this and she almost hated Fin for getting Elliot involved.

" _Yeah…_ " she told him in a small voice.

" _Yeah?_ " he questioned her further.

" _It's not daily, just here and there…_ " she told him.

" _You drinking on the job?_ " he asked even though Fin had already told him the answer.

Olivia made a face and gave him a look. She knew that he already knew the answer to his question.

" _You can't let that happened. We gotta get ahead of this…_ " he told her shaking his head.

" _We?_ " she questioned, raising one eyebrow.

" _Yes, we._ " He replied.

She put out her cigarette butt and jumped down off the concrete and pushed him away from her, walking to the other side of the roof instead of heading for the door.

" _You refuse to talk to me, to even act like I exist, and now all the sudden you want back in my life?_ " she asked, half yelling.

Elliot walked closer to her, throwing the rest of his cigarette on the ground and smashing it with his foot. She was pissed, she had every right to be and he knew it.

" _You know damn well why I left, Olivia._ " He told her in a low voice.

" _I want to hear you say it._ " She challenged him, eyeing his anger that was beginning to arise and make an appearance.

" _We were too close, you know that. I needed to try and save my marriage._ " He told her firmly. God, it was the truth, they both knew it.

" _You could have said goodbye, Elliot._ " She threw her words at him.

" _You know good and well I couldn't…_ " he told her. His eyes were alive and bright blue, just as she remembered them.

Olivia remained quiet because she actually agreed with him, she knew that saying goodbye wouldn't have been an option for either one of them. She had just wanted to know what his reasoning behind it was, what he would say.

" _You know how it would have gone down…_ " he told her in a whisper, coming to stand in front of her.

" _Say it,_ " she whispered, daring him to go there. He gave her a questioning look but she wasn't letting up. For all she knew, this would be the last conversation she'd ever have with him again and she wasn't going to let it go to waste.

Elliot swallowed hard and walked up directly to her, standing face-to-face with her.

" _I would have come to your apartment to tell you goodbye…_ " he started.

" _And?_ " she encouraged him.

" _And…_ " he continued. " _Our feelings would have come up, we would have faltered, I… we… I would have fucked you, Olivia…_ " He whispered. " _And it would have been our undoing._ "

Elliot backed up and looked away from her with his hands on his hips. He didn't think he could finish this conversation. Maybe it was a mistake coming here, maybe she'd be better off if he would have stayed away?

She admired him for trying to detach their feelings from this conversation. He had said "fucked" instead of "made love" or "had sex" on purpose. He was trying to spare her and himself.

" _I loved you,_ " Olivia whispered as tears stung her eyes. She might as well get it all on the table while she could. She wasn't near as high anymore and she was beginning to crave a drink anyways.

Elliot closed his eyes tight as if he was in pain, as if it had physically hurt him to hear her say those words.

" _I know…_ " he told her. He wasn't going to say it back, at least not while he still wore his ring, they both knew that. " _I'm sorry I left like that… I could have done it better or did something different… I'm sorry._ " He told her honestly, finally glancing up to look at her.

" _Don't every apologize to me for trying to fix your marriage, Elliot._ " She told him strongly.

" _I broke you…_ " he told her.

" _You didn't break me._ " Olivia stated calmly, disagreeing.

" _Like hell I didn't… look at yourself, Olivia._ " Elliot exclaimed. " _You're an alcoholic pot head who smokes_ _marijuana and Marlboro Red's on the rooftop of a fucking police station…_ "

Elliot looked around again, rubbing the back of his head with his right hand. " _I didn't know I had this much pull on you, Liv… I didn't know the feelings were that strong… I'm sorry._ "

Olivia began to laugh.

" _Great, you're still high._ " He stated making a face at her.

" _No… well, yes a little, but that's not why I'm laughing._ " She told him.

" _Okay, I'll bite._ " Elliot stated. " _What are you laughing at?_ " he asked.

" _Tucker told me we had been to close and you were bad for me… but you've been gone for a year and I'm almost at rock bottom, but it happened without you._ " She told him. " _Tucker had been wrong because without you, I crashed and burned._ " She admitted honestly.

However, out of everything that she'd just said, the only thing Elliot had heard was "Tucker".

" _He gave you problems for my resignation?_ " Elliot questioned. Olivia could visibly see his temperature rising with his anger.

" _Oh no… umm…_ " Olivia started, realizing he hadn't actually heard the news that she and Tucker had dated for a few short months after Elliot had left. She wondered what all Fin had told him.

" _What'd he do, Liv?_ " Elliot asked.

" _Elliot, you… don't get mad okay?_ " she asked him, almost begging. Elliot could see the pleading in her eyes. Her facial expression had changed and so had her demeaner.

" _You dated him?_ " he questioned lowly, crossing his arms over his chest in a protective stance.

" _You left me, El…_ " she told him softly.

" _Oh God. I drove you into the arms of Tucker? Are you fucking kidding me? That prick?_ " Elliot was mad but at himself. Processing all of this new information was hard. She definitely wasn't the same Olivia Benson that he had known before.

She let out a breath and tucked her hands into her back pockets.

" _What do you want me to say?_ " She asked him lightly.

" _That you didn't fuck him._ " Elliot shot back quickly.

Olivia was silent while she eyed him. He didn't need to ask again, her eyes said it all with her apologetic expression.

" _Great… just great…_ " he stated.

Olivia huffed. " _Why are you here again?_ " she asked.

Elliot looked at her hard. " _To make sure you don't fall down a flight of stairs like Serena…_ " he told her soberly.

" _I don't plan on it…_ " she promised him.

" _Yeah, well neither did your mom…_ " he told her.

" _Kathy know you're here?_ " Olivia questioned as the wind lightly blew through her shoulder length hair.

" _Yep._ " He told her.

This surprised Olivia. She didn't think Kathy would have approved. Now she wondered if Elliot and his wife had gotten into some big argument over her.

" _I'm here…_ " he stated, " _and I'm not going to let you spiral downwards… I just won't do it._ " Elliot told her.

" _How you gonna stop me?_ " she asked out of curiosity.

" _I'm going to be here. We're going to be friends again. Lunch dates, coffee, all of it just like before, except I'm not your work partner anymore._ " He told her forcefully.

Olivia stared at him. She wasn't sure what to say or feel. She didn't know if she could have him as just a friend now that she'd told him she loved him. It wasn't like he hadn't known before but she'd never admitted it verbally and they had definitely never acknowledged it.

" _What if I don't want that?_ " she questioned hesitantly.

" _Either you get some help with what's going on or I'm ratting you out to Cragen…_ " He told her. Maybe she had been wrong, it seemed he was willing to rat her out. She thought about this for a moment.

" _Can you do that? Do this with me? As just friends?_ " she asked him.

" _I don't know…_ " he replied honestly. " _But I'm going to try my hardest._ " He promised her and walked over to her, pulling her in for a hug. " _We'll figure something out,_ " he said, walking up to her, pulling her into a hug.

 **Thoughts?**


	2. Suspended

The bust had just gone down with Murphy at the underground gambling club. Fin had tried to have Amanda's back, wanting to give her a heads up but Olivia had known the other unit had borrowed the blonde.

Murphy was discreet about the circumstances when it came to verbally telling the sergeant the situation but he had slipped her a flash drive after their talk.

Olivia could hear Fin and Carisi giving the blonde a hard time outside her office as she watched the video.

Amanda had been willing to give Murphy a blow job… She was willing to have sex with him, to be raped as long as it didn't get out that she was gambling again… as long as no one told Olivia.

The brunette felt terrible. She was stressed from being acting squad commander already, she didn't need more to pile on.

Olivia got up and walked to her office door.

" _Amanda,_ " she called, making eye contact with the younger woman. " _A word?_ "

Amanda got up and entered her sergeants office, letting Olivia close the door behind them both.

The older woman sat at her desk, taking her glasses off and throwing them on her paperwork.

Amanda looked terrified, as she should be, sitting in front of Olivia's desk in a chair. She had put Olivia in a difficult position.

" _I should fire you…_ " Olivia told her quietly, refusing to let her anger get the best of her. " _I should have your ass kicked out of this squad and make sure no one else will take you._ " The brunette was being harsh but Amanda deserved it.

The younger woman nodded but remained quiet as a single tear slipped down her cheek.

" _What the hell were you thinking?_ " Olivia bluntly asked her, wiping a hand down her face from the sheer stress she was under.

" _I wasn't…_ " the blonde had answered.

" _Clearly,_ " Olivia shot back, standing up and walking around to the front of her desk. She perched her ass on her desk and crossing her arms across her chest as she faced Amanda. " _You were willing to get Murphy off… to be… raped… Amanda, what the fuck?_ "

" _Oh, God! He told you that?_ " Amanda said in sheer disbelief, pinching the bridge between her eyes to relieve the tension there.

Olivia sighed. " _He didn't have to, I have the video footage…_ " Olivia told her and Amanda made a noise that sounded like disapproval.

The brunette cocked her head to the side as she looked at Amanda. " _How deep are you in?_ " She asked the woman honestly.

" _I'm not anymore… we took the club down. Technically they think Murphy and I were undercover…_ " Amanda huffed and looked away. " _I don't owe them any money now…_ "

" _Alright, good._ " Olivia responded. " _Because you're suspended without pay for four weeks._ "

Amanda looked down, nodding her head in understanding but refusing to make eye contact with the older woman. Olivia knew the blonde's tears were flowing freely now.

Tears of guilt.

Tears of embarrassment.

Tears of shame.

" _You can fire me…_ " came Amanda's small voice. Olivia's eyebrows went up in shock, she hadn't expected the woman to give up so easily. She looked defeated.

" _I said you're suspended._ " Olivia repeated forcefully.

" _I fucked up, I'm sorry…_ " Amanda began to cry even more leaning forward with her elbows on both knees and her face in her hands. She was practically sobbing now. " _I'm so sorry, Olivia._ "

Olivia took a deep breath and chewed on her bottom lip.

" _As your commanding officer, I'm suspending you without pay._ " She stated firmly. " _But as your friend,_ " she stated in a much softer voice, " _Come here._ " She called to Amanda, getting up from the top of her desk and pulling the blonde up by her arms until she was fully standing in front of Olivia.

Amanda's face remained in her hands as Olivia engulfed her in a Benson hug.

The blonde incoherently continued to mumble a string of 'I'm sorry's' into Olivia's shoulder as her hands finally dropped to her sides and accepted Olivia's hug.

" _Shhhh…_ " Olivia shushed her as she held the back of Amanda's head with her hand. " _You're gonna be fine, Amanda._ " She told the younger woman.

Olivia felt Amanda finally slip her arms around Olivia's torso, hugging her back.

" _I'm going to get you help… We'll get you back on track, you'll be okay._ " Olivia promised her.

Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Fin come to the door and she felt bad for leaving the blinds on the door open. He was about to knock when he saw the two woman together. Fin could tell his partner was upset and his eyebrows jumbled in confusion.

Olivia just shook her head. He got the message and left. She would let Fin know what happened later, and together they would help Amanda.

Amanda pulled away from the hug and wiped her face off with her sleeves but still avoiding Olivia's eyes.

" _Hey,_ " Olivia called out to her, putting her hand on Amanda's shoulder, dipping her head to force the woman to look at her. " _We're gonna get you started back with meetings. We're gonna find you a sponsor, okay?_ " Amanda nodded her head in agreement and Olivia smiled at her. " _Fin and I are gonna be here for you too…_ " Amanda rolled her eyes at the thought of Fin.

" _Yeah, you gotta tell him._ " Olivia said, giving Amanda another small smile and releasing her shoulder.

" _He'll have your back, I'll have your back, even Carisi if you want._ " Amanda made a face that let her know she wouldn't be letting Carisi in the loop.

Amanda started to head for the door but Olivia's words stopped her.

" _I don't have a family,_ " Olivia told her. " _And you basically don't either. Let's be frank, your family is shit._ "

Amanda turned around to stare at the older woman, hoping she wouldn't make her cry again.

" _This squad_ ," Olivia stated, " _it's been my family for years now… and it's yours too._ "

Amanda gave her a nod.

" _Go home,_ " Olivia commanded, walking around her desk and putting her glasses back on. " _I'm going to look up the currently posted schedule for the gamblers anonymous meetings near your building and we're gonna go to one together…_ "

Amanda swallowed hard. " _Alright…_ " she agreed but she couldn't fathom what it would be like to have Olivia at one of her meetings. It scared her a bit if she was being honest.

" _I'll call you later and let you know…_ " Olivia promised her. " _And so help me, you better answer._ " She said sternly.

The blonde let out a small laugh and sniffled. " _I will._ " And with that, she was out the door.


	3. Their First Time

Olivia was nervous. They'd been seeing each other for almost two months now. They'd kissed several times and made out passionately a couple of times, but that's as far as it had ever gone. They'd been on multiple dates, she knew the next step was here. He couldn't wait forever.

He had taken her out to a nice restaurant and paid for their dinner, just like a gentleman. They'd had amazing wine.

When they had arrived back at her apartment building, she was grinning like a nervous school girl. Olivia was completely smitten with him. She had invited him up without hesitation. The brunette wanted this, she needed this. Olivia wanted to be with him intimately and romantically. She wanted him in her bed, but it was going to be a difficult thing for her.

As they entered her apartment, they both shed their coats, leaving them on the rack by the door. Then he took a seat on the couch while she went to get some wine.

" _You want any wine?_ " she called from behind him. Looking at him, she took him in. His suit looked nice, he'd truly dressed up for their date night but so had she. He'd warned her in advance that it was a fancy place he was taking her to. Olivia was wearing a red dress that didn't have long sleeves and that came to her knees accompanied by black pointy-toed heels. The dress didn't show much cleavage though. She had grown accustomed to not wearing v-neck shirts and dresses anymore because if she wasn't careful, her scars showed.

" _Nah,_ " he answered. " _I had enough at the restaurant._ "

So she grabbed her one wine glass full of red wine and headed over to the couch to sit beside him. She toed her shoes off at the end of the couch on her way over.

Olivia was nervous. Her palms were sweaty and the two glasses at dinner wasn't enough, she needed more to calm her nerves but not too much to make her drunk. She was just bordering on being tipsy now. The brunette could always hold her alcohol.

He looked at her as she sat near him. He had known why he'd been invited up. His eyes were filled with lust and want.

He put his arm on the back of the couch behind her and she leaned into him, taking a large sip from her wine glass then hugged it to her chest as her head rested on his shoulder.

She felt him take a deep breath and he leaned over to kiss her forehead.

" _Olivia,_ " he started off gently. " _We don't have to do this…_ " he told her. He could sense her anxiety and nervousness.

Olivia sat up, downing half her wine before setting her glass on the coffee table and turning to face him from her position beside him on the couch.

" _No, I want to do this. I want you._ " She told him strongly.

He gave her a weak smile.

" _Then why are you having to down three glasses of wine just to sleep with me?_ " he asked her carefully. He wasn't upset or mad. His face stayed soft and caring.

Olivia bit her lip and stayed silent.

" _It's okay if you're not attracted to me, Liv._ " He told her kindly. " _I knew it was a long shot when I asked you out for drinks two months ago…_ "

She got up and straddled him, her dress bunching up close around her waist. She put her left hand on his cheek and her right hand behind his head, bringing him in for a slow, passionate kiss. His hands rested loosely on her hips. Their tongues swirled together and at one point she let out a small moan.

As she finally pulled out of the kiss, she went in for a light peck before leaning back and giving him a sad smile.

" _The attraction is there, Ed. God, it's there._ " She told him honestly, closing her eyes tight. " _I want you so badly…_ "

He nodded his head in understanding. The feeling was mutual and if she stayed on his lap much longer, she'd be able to feel it.

" _Tell me what going on then?_ " Tucker questioned lightly. " _Talk to me, Olivia…_ " he asked quietly. He knew she was never the most open person. She had a hard time opening up to everyone, even the people she was closest to.

Olivia opened her mouth to speak but couldn't find the words. She shut her mouth and took a deep breath, turning her head to the side to look away from him. She looked beautiful, her make-up was perfect and her diamond earrings were stunning. Her shorter hair was slightly curled around her face.

" _Is it because of our past? How hard I went at you, how I tried to put you in jail for murder? Because I'll say it again, I… I'm sorry, Olivia. I was in the wrong, I shouldn't have treated you like-_ "

" _No._ " Olivia cut him off quickly. " _No, Ed. It's none of that, I promise. I've long forgiven you for that. You were just doing your job; my DNA was at the scene. I would've done the same thing in your position…_ " she told him reassuringly.

He nodded his head accepting her answer but there was still concern in his eyes.

Olivia huffed again and leaned forward on his lap to kiss him. This time, he wrapped his arms around her back, pulling her forward into his torso so they were chest to chest. He nipped at her lips a few times before fulling putting his mouth over hers again.

Their make-out session was hot and heated. She put both of her arms around his neck, pulling him to her. She could fill him start to harden beneath her.

Never in a million years did Ed Tucker think he'd have Badass Benson on his lap like this.

Olivia broke the kiss and leaned her forehead against his, closing her eyes as they both tried to catch their breath.

" _Talk to me, Olivia_ " he whispered softly to her.

Olivia swallowed hard. " _It's Lewis…_ " she whispered to him.

Ed pulled back and she released her arms from around his neck, finally opening her eyes. He could see unshed tears there.

He let out a shaky breath but his arms remained around her waist, his fingers laced together behind her back.

" _Okay…_ " he accepted, waiting for her to say more.

Olivia took a deep breath. " _I haven't been with anyone since… since the first time he took me._ "

Tucker looked at her in confusion.

" _I don't understand…_ " he told her. " _I thought you'd been with Cassidy?_ "

" _I had up until Lewis happened… then we didn't… we never…_ " She trailed off but Tucker got the idea. He realized she was telling him that she hadn't had sex with Cassidy after Lewis happened the first time around.

" _May I ask why?_ " Tucker stated hesitantly. " _I mean, he didn't… he wasn't… Cassidy acted right with you, yeah?_ "

Olivia's heart swelled upon hearing him. He was being protective of her, he wanted to make sure Brian hadn't fucked with her or hurt her. It made her smile and he smiled back.

" _He was okay but he could never handle the… victims…_ " she stated, swallowing the words and remembering that she had been a victim too, a few times now. " _It's why he left SVU all those years ago…_ "

" _I see…_ " Tucker commented.

" _He couldn't handle the victims… so you can only imagine how it was for him when his own girlfriend became one…_ " she said lightly.

Tucker pressed his lips tightly together, releasing his clasped hands from behind her to grab hers. Clasping their hands together he spoke. " _You're not a victim Olivia, you're a survivor… I think you know that by now…_ " he told her lightly as he leaned forward, pecking her lips.

" _Yeah…_ " she agreed, smiling at him. Olivia blinked a few times to make the water in her eyes go away.

This was unchartered territory for Olivia and Ed. They hadn't talked about Lewis before, not one-on-one like this, not since they'd started seeing each other.

" _Are you worried about triggers? Flashbacks?_ " Tucker asked her. He had picked up some things since he'd been on the force and since he'd been dating her even though he didn't work with victims and had never worked in SVU.

" _No…_ " she whispered, dropping her hands from his.

Olivia ran her hand through her hair as she glanced around the room and took a deep breath.

" _I know what he did to you, Olivia._ " He told her lightly. " _I've read the case files, I know what he did to you… I was the one who took your statement the second time he took you…_ " Tucker reminded her.

" _I know._ " She whispered. " _I remember,_ " she said, shutting her eyes tightly for a moment. " _There's a darkness in me… several bad omens actually. There's things you don't know about me… things that are going to make you not want me._ " Olivia confessed.

" _You think I don't have a past?_ " he asked her with a small smile.

Olivia shook her head. " _It's not as dark as mine, I can promise you._ "

He gazed at her, trying to read her. She was worried and doubting herself, doubting them. " _You worried how I'm gonna react if I find out you did in fact beat Lewis within an inch of his life while he was cuffed?_ " He said, only it wasn't a question, he was actually telling her that he knew.

Olivia swallowed hard. " _How did you know that?_ " she looked at him darkly.

" _You're Olivia Benson._ " Ed replied, running his hands up and down her back for comfort. " _I knew you did it from the moment you took the stand and said you hadn't. I heard you testify to what he did to you, I know the terrible things he did to you while you were with him for four days… I'd be more surprised if you hadn't beat him, Liv._ " He told her honestly.

Her eyebrows were knit together in confusion. " _You knew then and you didn't prosecute me?_ " she asked.

" _No, I'd never prosecute a woman for beating her assailant after she'd been through that…_ " Ed stated strongly. " _Lewis is lucky I didn't set him up to be taken out in prison…_ " he whispered angrily. " _If I had… he wouldn't have gotten out and victimized you a second time…_ "

Olivia looked at him with such emotion.

" _Ed…_ " she said tenderly as she as she reached up to cup his face with her hands. Olivia didn't have words for him. She didn't know what to say. She'd never seen this side of Ed Tucker before.

The brunette leaned in and kissed him tenderly. She felt his hands travel down to her backside and squeeze her ass lightly. In turn, she smiled against his lips. Olivia deepened the kiss as he brought his hands to her front, sliding them up and cupping her breasts over her clothing. He could feel that her nipples were hard and sensitive. Tucker ran his fingers over them and she hissed against his mouth.

They broke the kiss at the same time.

" _You're turned on…_ " he told her lowly, making eye contact.

She nodded in agreement. " _Very much so…_ " she replied.

He could tell she was still holding back though. Something was keeping her from progressing forwards with their romantic night.

" _You're worried about the scars…_ " he commented, taking in her facial expression which had changed at his observation. She rested her hands in her lap.

Olivia bit her bottom lip. " _Yeah… I am._ " She confessed.

" _I have scars too, from the job, from getting shot. I wasn't always IAB, you know…_ " Tucker told her lightly. " _I had to work my way up, work the street crimes._ "

" _They're not like these…_ " Olivia told him, giving him a shy look. " _Brian couldn't handle them… they were too much for him._ " She stated.

" _I can promise you I'll act better than him, I'll treat you better…_ " Ed told her, letting his hands roam and rub up and down her thighs over her dress that seemed to be getting hiked higher and higher on her hips. " _He was an ass. I never liked you with him…_ " Tucker confessed and Olivia rolled her eyes with a smile.

" _Yeah, because you wanted me to be with you instead…_ " She told him knowingly. It was true, they both knew it. Tucker had gone after her a few months after her second ordeal with Lewis when he'd realized she wasn't with Brian anymore.

" _Can you blame me?_ " he asked her with a smile. Tucker's eyes were twinkling. Something she'd never seen them do before.

Olivia didn't answer him, she just smiled as she laid her right hand on his chest.

" _You really wanna do this thing with me, huh?_ " she asked, laughing at herself, at her shyness as her face turned a light shade of pink from her own words.

" _More than anything…_ " he replied in a husky voice and it hit her directly between the legs but he wasn't just referring to sex, he was talking about a relationship with her.

" _There's an "L" on my chest…_ " she confessed abruptly. Olivia didn't want him to have any surprises. She needed him to be prepared for what her body would look like, to know so he wouldn't react badly because if he did, it'd throw her and she might not be able to handle it.

Ed stared into her eyes, listening intently to what she was sharing with him.

" _There are things that aren't said in my case file, things that didn't go into specifics, things that I didn't say in court._ " He nodded in silence and continued listening. " _I do have scars, on my chest, on and between my breasts. One is in the shape of an "L", Lewis branded me as his…_ " Olivia told him as her eyes began shining with tears again.

Tucker swallowed hard. " _Come here,_ " he whispered to her as he pulled her down gently to his chest. She pushed her face between his neck and his shoulder, sniffling.

" _You're okay,_ " he told her in a whisper, trying to comfort her. He'd never been like this with her. She was surprised, but it was nice. " _He's dead, and you're not his, you never were…_ " Tucker had always seen Olivia so strong, she'd always been a badass detective. Even when she was testifying against Lewis, she hadn't broken so he'd never fully seen her in this state. She wasn't okay when he took her statement after Lewis had shot himself, but she had put on a show for everyone then, she'd acted like she was fine.

Ed weaved his fingers from his left hand through her hair as he right hand remained on her back for comfort. " _This doesn't scare me… It doesn't freak me out, I can handle it…_ " he told her.

Olivia moved her arms from resting in between them to put them around his neck and planted a small kiss on his skin. He smelled so good, she loved the cologne he always wore.

" _There are more scars on my stomach and a few between my legs…_ " she mumbled into his chest and she felt his grip on her tighten. She knew why too.

Olivia leaned up enough to make eye contact with him. She needed him to be able to see her, to know she was telling the truth when she said this.

" _Ed,_ " she told him firmly. " _He did not rape me._ "

Olivia didn't miss the look of relief that briefly flashed across his face.

" _He didn't._ " she assured him.

Tucker nodded, accepting her answer. " _I believe you, Olivia._ "

She smiled. He sounded like he honestly did believe her, which was more than she could say for Brian who constantly worried that more had happened to her and she just wasn't telling him.

Olivia leaned in and kissed Tucker. It was another longing kiss. She slowly moved her hips back and forth on his lap a couple of times, she smiled as she felt him harden again.

Ed pulled back from this kiss but they were still in close proximity, their noses almost touching.

The brunette felt him slip his hands under the dress bunched up by her waist and hook his finger in her panties. Her breath hitched.

" _When these come off…_ " Tucker said in a low voice, his eyes full of passion. " _I want to taste you…_ "

Olivia's eyes were wide with surprise. She had no idea Tucker would talk dirty to her. She hadn't expected him to. If anything, she'd expected vanilla sex but it seemed like she had been very wrong.

Tucker pulled his hands from underneath her dress, leaving her panties alone for the time being. He reached around her and found the zipper at the top of the back of her dress.

" _If you want me to stop, I will,_ " he promised her.

" _Do it._ " She commanded. He voice was fierce, she was clearly turned on.

He gave her a hungry smile as he lowered the zipper until it was all the way down her back. The dress was slightly hanging off her shoulders now.

Ed watched her as he reached up and slowly pulled it down, lowering the dress until it pooled at her waist and her breasts were out. She hadn't been wearing a bra. She didn't need one since the dress had one built into it.

Olivia shut her eyes tightly as he took in her chest. She was correct of course, there were scars in the shapes of keys and cigarettes on her chest and one lone "L" shaped scar.

" _You, Olivia Benson, are beautiful._ " He told her as he put his hands on her bare back to pull her forward so his mouth could meet her chest.

Tucker began to kiss her skin. His lips trailed the "L" and he felt her gently grasp the back of his head. This was pleasurable to her but it was also healing for her as well. Ed Tucker was giving her something that Brian never had.

His lips made their way down to her right, erect nipple as his left right hand fondled her right breast. His lips latched on and his lapped and sucked.

Olivia threw her head back in ecstasy and moaned.

She could feel he was fully erect below her ass. She tugged lightly at his head so he'd detach from her breast and she leaned down to kiss him on the lips.

" _Bedroom…_ " she mumbled. " _Let's go to the bedroom._ "

Olivia got off of his lap and held her dress in place as grabbed his hand and led him into her master bedroom. A small lamp was turned on as it sat on her night stand, it gave them the perfect amount of light.

She released her dress and let it fall to the ground, leaving only her black panties on. Olivia sat on the bed as Ed walked in front of her and gazed down at her, steadily undoing his tie and then unbuttoning his shirt.

He was hard, the evidence was in the tent of his pants.

Finally, he threw his shirt and tie on the ground beside her dress and toed off his shoes, taking his socks off as well.

" _Lay back?_ " he asked lightly. Ed wasn't going to be giving her any commands. He wanted her to feel safe with him, especially if this was the first time she'd been with anyone since the Lewis incidents.

He licked his lips. " _I wasn't kidding about tasting you…_ " he said in a deep, flirtatious voice and it sent shivers down her spine.

Olivia answered his request by leaning back. It'd been an incredibly long time since she'd had sex and even longer since anyone had done this for her. Brian never wanted to go down on her so she never did him the favor either.

Ed hooked his pointer fingers in each side of her panties and slowly slid them down her long, tanned legs that were dangling off the bed.

She was laying completely flat on her back, fisting the sheets beneath her hands. Tucker was on his knees in front of her. He put his hands behind her knees and pulled her forward so her ass was almost to the edge of the mattress. Then, he put his hands on her knees and slowly opened her up to him.

He ran his hand up her thigh, past her pelvis, up her stomach and back down again. Olivia was already breathing hard from her arousal.

" _Never in a million years could I have dreamed you looked this good under all those pants suits…_ " he commented and she laughed, her hands immediately flying to cover her face that was now reddening.

He leaned forward, planting kisses on her left hip and trailing down until he got to the light patch of hair between her legs. There wasn't much hair there, you could tell she kept house and he loved it. He planted kisses on her mound until he got to her lips.

Ed blew hot air from his mouth onto her and gasped in surprise. Olivia realized he was skilled, the man knew what he was doing. He'd done this before with other women, clearly.

His tongue darted out of his mouth, letting it trace around her lips slowly. She was already wet, so very wet.

Olivia swallowed hard and let out a slow, ragged breath. She'd began fisting the sheet again.

His tongue traced her clit.

" _Oh God…_ " she moaned, squirming beneath him. He placed his hands on her hips to help hold her still, knowing she'd have little control over her arousal and her body's reactions.

Tucker moved his right hand to her lips, spreading them for him so he could dip his tongue inside of her.

" _Fuck… fuck…_ " she said. Olivia was beginning to get louder. Thank goodness Lucy had agreed to take Noah to her place for the night so the brunette could have a date night with Ed.

He flicked his tongue and dipped in and out of her at a nice pace.

" _Ahh…_ " She moaned as her hips moved with the rhythm of his tongue. " _I can't hold out much longer…_ " she moaned.

He placed a kiss right on the lips between her legs. " _The cum for me, Olivia…_ " he said in a seductive voice as his tongue continued its lashings, speeding up the pace.

" _Fucking hell!_ " she whispered harshly as she slammed her eyes shut. " _Oh God!_ " she said loudly.

" _Fuck…FUCK!_ " Olivia came hard. Her body convulsed and her face contorted as she tumbled over the edge in ecstasy.

Ed continued his movements until he felt her body relax. She was out of breath and she had one hand draped across her forehead.

Tucker moved sit beside her, wiping his face off on her sheet. He looked down at her over his shoulder. Olivia's face was flushed, she was slightly sweaty. It was a beautiful sight to see Olivia Benson after she'd just had an orgasm.

Olivia looked up to see him staring down at her and she reached over, grabbing a hand full of her comforter and pulling over her waist. She'd never been comfortable with anyone openly staring at her naked body for a long period of time.

" _Give me a couple of minutes to calm down and we can continue…_ " she told him as she wiped her hair out of her face.

" _Take all the time you need. I swear you've never looked more beautiful than you do right now…_ " he told her lightly.

Olivia smiled at him. " _You've been thinking about fucking me all these years, haven't you?_ " she asked him lightly, her eyes glowing with humor.

" _Can't say it hasn't crossed my mind…_ " he confessed.

 **Thoughts? Should I continue with a part two?**


	4. Their First Time Continued

**I am so sorry for typos and any other errors you find in any of these chapters. I use spell check and I re-read them several times before they're posted but I'm not the best author and half the time I do this in the middle of the night…**

 **Here's part II**

Olivia got up from the edge of her bed and walked around to bury herself under the covers. Ed watched her closely.

" _That was amazing…_ " she told him lightly as she brought the covers up to cover her chest.

It hadn't slipped her observation that he had ignored the scars on her lower stomach and in between her legs. He'd acted like they weren't there, like they hadn't bothered him and that's exactly how she wanted it.

" _You gettin' shy on me now?_ " he asked her, smiling.

Olivia turned and laughed into her pillow. She was giddy and glowing from her orgasm high.

" _Just cold…_ " she replied. " _Why are you still wearing pants?_ " she asked seductively.

He raised an eyebrow at her question.

She didn't say anything further and stared at him with want and desire. Ed stood up and unbuckled his belt, unbuttoning his pants as well and slid them down his legs, placing them with their other discarded clothing. She held his gaze as he slipped his boxes down too. Olivia swallowed hard, not daring to glance down at his manhood.

Ed slipped under the covers beside her. She immediately turned on her left side and grabbed him in a hug, giving him a heated kiss as her hands roamed his back. She was so ready for round two.

He was more muscular than she had expected him to be in his older age. It almost made her feel bad about being so out of shape but she wasn't going to allow those thoughts to pop into her head. Olivia had always been a bigger woman. She'd always had thighs and a big ass no matter what her waist size was. She was a sexual assault survivor and a mom now, along with being the head of her unit at SVU. There was no time for the gym anymore and even if there was, she wasn't sure she'd be able to make herself go.

He moaned into her mouth. He must really want her.

Ed lightly grabbed her hip lightly and pulled her flushed against him so she could feel his hard on poking into her lower belly.

" _Mmhmmm…_ " she moaned loudly into his mouth.

" _I'm dying to be inside you._ " He whispered to her as they broke the kiss.

She smiled up at him. " _There are condoms in the top drawer of the night stand behind you…_ " Olivia told him.

He nodded and turned over to retrieve one but as he opened the drawer, he got the shock of his life.

" _Jesus fuck…_ " he whispered harshly, taking in the contents of the drawer.

Olivia's face contorted in confusion.

" _They should be right there…_ " she told him, grabbing the covers securely at her chest and moving behind him to look over his shoulder. She was pretty positive she still had some in the drawer.

Her eyes went wide when she realized what all he was looking at. All of her sex toys and vibrators were in the drawer, now on display for him to see. Olivia had completely forgotten that she'd merged the sex toy drawer with the condom and lubrication drawer. She used to keep them separate for this exact reason; so her lovers didn't see her toys but when Brian had been staying with her, she'd promised him everything would be equally shared. So he got one night stand and she got the other, meaning she had to merge the two drawers together. She hadn't even touched them since before the Lewis incidents happened.

Olivia closed her eyes and huffed, resting her forehead against the back of Tuckers right shoulder.

" _Is there any way you can forget you saw all this?_ " she asked lowly. She was embarrassed and frustrated. She didn't like for people to see her personal things. Especially without her permission.

He sucked in a breath. " _Not a chance in hell…_ " he responded. He'd never been more turned on in his life knowing that Olivia Benson had used all of the things in this drawer.

Olivia slowly trailed her hand around to his chest and played with his hair lightly as she pushed her chest into his back so he could feel her hardened nipples. She was trying to distract him from the drawer. She knew he was intrigued.

The brunette kissed her way up his neck and settled for sucking on his right earlobe.

" _Get the condom, Ed…_ " she whispered to him.

He swallowed hard and leaned forward slightly, grabbing a condom and deciding to shut the drawer.

He leaned back and she moved over to give him room to lay on his back, then she straddled him. Grabbing the condom from him, she opened it and started to massage his penis before slipping the condom on. Tucker hissed as her hands made contact with his manhood.

She smiled at his desire for her touch.

Olivia lifted her hips enough to line him with her center before sinking down on him. She was tight, fuck she was tight. It really had been a long time since she'd had sex.

The brunette stilled, taking a breath.

" _Hey,_ " he called to her lightly. " _You alright?_ " he asked, eyeing her.

She gave him a small smile. " _Yeah… been a while… it's a tight fit…_ " she replied.

He chuckled. " _Yeah, you're telling me…_ " Her face turned red again. She usually wasn't this shy in the bedroom but she'd changed over the past couple of years.

After a few more seconds of adjustment, she began to rock her hips slowly. His hands remained on her lower thighs like he was hesitant to touch her.

Olivia grabbed both of his hands and placed them on her hips. She wanted him to know that it was okay to control the pace. She was on top and that's all the control she needed right now.

Even so, he didn't do it. He casually let his hands grab her skin but he didn't change their pace so she did, increasing her movements.

Ed let out a long breath.

" _Fuck Olivia…_ " he told her as he leaned his head back into the pillow and gritted his teeth. He was fully enjoying her riding him.

She was a marvelous sight to see. Looking up at her, Ed had the perfect view of her body, her breasts, and she was looking down at him.

There was something sexy about her riding the man who was head of IAB. It was like all the previous years that they'd fought had been foreplay.

She put her hands on his chest to keep herself steady and increased her pace significantly. Now she was slamming down her hips and taking him all the way in while her breasts bobbed in front of him.

Ed grunted and took her by surprise as he grabbed her and flipped them.

" _Ed!_ " she exclaimed with laughter and he smiled but continued pumping into her.

Her laughter stopped suddenly as she threw her head back and let out a long moan. " _Oh God!_ " she said loudly as he shifted his pelvis to hit a different angle inside her.

Olivia picked her legs up and hooked them behind his hips as he drove into her.

Her hands fisted the sheets as she closed her eyes tightly.

" _Mmm…. Harder,_ " she said to him.

He was more than happy to oblige.

Olivia knew she'd cum again, something that didn't happen very often in her sex life, or at least when she had a sex life. She was usually able to cum once, but twice was always a treat.

Ed was close to his climax as well. He was trying to decide if he should pull out. Even though they were using a condom, there was always a small risk. Some women he'd been with previously had wanted him to pull out even though he'd worn a condom and then again, some didn't care. Olivia hadn't voiced her preference and it was something he should have asked her before they got started but it was too late now.

" _Fuck!_ " she said loudly as her orgasm hit her out of nowhere.

Tucker didn't have time to decide what to do because he felt her walls instantly close around him, triggering his orgasm.

" _Shit…_ " he hissed as his hot liquid filled the condom.

Olivia had wrapped her arms around him, holding him tightly as she rode out her climax.

Ed lowered his head to rest on her chest while he came down from his high. He was panting hard and her arms and legs remained wrapped around him firmly.

Once he was able to catch his breath, he sat up slowly and her arms and legs released him. He eased out of her, earning him a small hiss from Olivia. He sat on the edge of the bed, grabbing a Kleenex from the night stand and wrapping the condom up, he tossed it into her small trashcan on the other side of the night stand. He grabbed another Kleenex to clean himself up before scooting back under the covers beside her.

Olivia didn't hesitate to cuddle up to him, wrapping her right arm around his waist and laying her head on his chest.

" _I didn't know if I should pull out or not… I didn't know what you wanted but it…_ " He whispered, stumbling with his words.

" _You're fine, Ed._ " She told him reassuringly, giving his waist a small squeeze. " _It's fine._ "

He wrapped his right arm around her shoulders.

" _You sure?_ " he asked her again.

" _Yeah,_ " she stated strongly. She honestly didn't mind. She'd let Brian cum inside her as well as long as he wore a condom.

He let out a breath and leaned down to kiss her head.

" _You're amazing, you know that?_ " he asked her in a whisper.

Olivia didn't reply, instead she stayed still and silent so Ed took it upon himself to keep talking.

" _Thank you…_ " he told her.

She leaned back and looked at him. " _For what?_ " she asked, hoping he wasn't really about to thank her for sex.

" _For accepting my invitation to drinks a couple months ago…_ " He replied, smiling down at her.

" _I almost didn't… I thought you had ulterior motives…_ "

" _I did…_ " he said jokingly, grinning at her.

Olivia hit him lightly on the chest and smiled.

" _Not what I meant and you know it…_ " she told him.

They both laid there in thought. She never thought Ed Tucker would be occupying her bed like this. This entire thing was new to her. Ed treated her differently than Brian had. Not that Brian treated her badly but just differently. Ed took her out on dates and to restaurants. He went to movies and museums with her. He knew what she liked and even if he didn't like it, he made sure they did something fun together. Brian never did that, she could never drag him out to a museum or movie with her and when she rarely had, he'd complained the entire time.

" _My wife cheated on me… with my very first partner…_ " he whispered to her lowly. This caught her by surprise.

Olivia moved from his chest to her side of the bed, turning on her left side to look at him and take in what he was saying. He was sharing part of his personal life with her and she could tell it was a part that he didn't share with many people.

Ed remained on his back but turned his head to the right to look at her.

" _It's part of why I'm IAB, why I'm so harsh on cops… why I have trust issues._ " He confided in her. " _I loved her, she was my world and we were together for years. I wanted kids with her but… when she finally got pregnant, she told me it wasn't mine…_ "

" _My God, Ed._ " Olivia stated sadly. " _I'm so sorry._ " She had no idea he'd been through so much pain and heartache. It explained a lot about his past behavior though…

" _It broke me… I was broken for a while. I didn't date, I didn't have sex, I didn't do anything, just focused on the job._ "

She nodded her head in understanding. It was much easier for her to focus on her job than her personal life too.

" _I know it's not the same and that you've been through much worse… I know there's things about yourself that you still haven't told me and you don't have to ever tell them to me. But if you want to, I'd like to hear them…_ " he told her lightly, smiling at her.

" _You think we should disclose?_ " she asked seriously.

Tucker thought for a moment.

" _Why don't we give it another month and see where we are then…_ " Ed said, turning on his right side to face her better. " _You could still get tired of me at any moment…_ " he joked.

Olivia smiled and rolled her eyes at him.


	5. Pain

**I'm re-arranging some of my stories. This is a chapter from my story "Life" but I felt it would make a great one-shot so I thought I'd add it here.**

 **SMUT WARNING.**

Olivia's mouth crashed down onto Amanda's.

They were on Olivia's couch, nude, and having some much needed "us" time. It had been a long day and as soon as they stepped inside the brunette's apartment, Olivia had been on Amanda needing release. She needed to feel Amanda.

Olivia was on top kissing, groping, and touching the younger woman. Things had gotten hot and heavy fast.

The older woman had Amanda trapped beneath her thighs, she was grinding her center onto Amanda while leaning down and kissing her neck.

The blonde reached down with both hands and grabbed Olivia's ass, giving it a hard squeeze. Olivia smiled into Amanda's neck, loving her boldness and continued sucking at her skin.

" _Mmhmm…_ " Amanda moaned as her eyes shut, enjoying the rocking of her girlfriend's hips.

This continued for at least another two minutes, both of them enjoyed the foreplay.

Olivia finally stopped making her mark on Amanda's neck and whispered " _What do you want?_ "

The brunette smiled when she leaned up and saw Amanda turning a light shade of pink. It was true, Amanda had come out of her shell a lot, but there would always be some shyness to her. It was just her personality.

Amanda giggled and bit her lip, keeping her eyes closed.

Olivia sat up, slowing the movements of her hips. She cupped Amanda's breasts, one in each hand as she fondled them, grabbing and rubbing before pinching the younger woman's nipples. Amanda grabbed Olivia's thighs, her fingers digging into them. She loved Olivia's thighs. Aside from her girlfriend's breasts, Olivia's thighs and ass were her favorite. The perfect amount of thickness.

" _Fuuuuck…_ " Amanda whispered as she turned her head sideways, her eyes still shut tight. She was throbbing.

" _Baby…_ " Olivia whispered in a seductive voice, " _Tell me what you want…_ " as she slightly started rocking again. She had used her bedroom voice.

The older woman dropped her right hand from Amanda's breast and grabbed her face to turn it towards her. As soon as Amanda opened her eyes, Olivia swooped down for a heated kiss. Their tongues swirled together.

She wanted to please Amanda, she wanted to feel her cum.

Olivia remained in close proximity, laying kisses on Amanda's left collar bone.

" _You know what I want…_ " Amanda whispered to her.

Olivia sat up and stared down Amanda. There was so much lust in Olivia's eyes, so much compassion and desire. The gaze that Olivia had into the blonde's eyes was unreal.

" _I want to hear you say it…_ " Olivia whispered seductively and the sound of her voice shot straight to Amanda's center.

The younger woman bit her lip but Olivia wasn't backing down. She wasn't going to move until Amanda verbalized her wishes.

Olivia was sitting higher on Amanda's hips now and the blonde could feel Olivia's wetness from her arousal beginning to seep onto Amanda's skin.

" _Your tongue…_." Amanda stated. " _I want… your tongue…_ " Her face was pink again but her eyes stayed connected with Olivia, who was now looking at Amanda like it had been the sexiest thing she'd ever heard.

" _Your wish,_ " Olivia said as she scooted down her girlfriend's body and began laying kisses on her stomach, " _is my command…_ "

" _Oh, God…_ " Amanda moaned as Olivia made her way down to the blonde's center. She kissed the inside of Amanda's left thigh, then planted soft kisses on top of the younger woman's light patch of hair.

" _I'll never get tired of this,_ " Olivia promised her before her tongue began tracing the outside of Amanda's opening.

Amanda had heard her, but she was too engulfed in a state of pleasure to respond. Her legs automatically spread wider for Olivia and her eyes were shut tight. If she were to glance down and see the brunette between her legs, she was positive she'd cum instantly. Her hands were fisted in the couch material.

" _Mmmm…_ " Amanda whimpered. It was truly music to Olivia's ears. She put her arms under Amanda's thigh's and grabbed the woman's upper legs, pulling her closer in one swift movement. Then she began plunging her tongue inside Amanda, slowly at first but gradually she sped up.

Olivia used her hands to reach around and spread Amanda's center wider to give her better access.

" _Oliviaaa…_ " Amanda moaned as Olivia kept up her pace. Olivia had her ass in the air to accommodate their close position on the couch. Amanda had one leg propped up against the back of the couch and the other one dangling off the side.

The younger woman was close to exploding, Olivia could tell. She quickened the pace and instantly, she felt Amanda's hand weave through her hair. The blonde grabbed a handful of Olivia's hair, yanking her head hard, pressing her face into her core as she began to grind her hips into the brunette's mouth.

" _Oh,_ " Amanda panted and pulled Olivia's hair harder. It was instinct and she barely registered how hard she was pulling. Olivia didn't mind though, it was hot and she was into it.

" _Oh God…I'm gonna… I'm… fuck, ah! AH!_ " Amanda shouted as she came and she came hard. Her entire body shook and then went rigid. It was powerful, possibly the most powerful orgasm she'd had since she'd been with Olivia.

Olivia continued her work as the younger woman rode out her orgasm and Amanda finally looked down, seeing the deathly tight grasp she had on Olivia's hair.

Amanda gasped. " _Shit!_ " she said, alarmed all of the sudden, worried that she'd hurt Olivia or freaked her out.

Olivia quickly crawled her way up Amanda's body.

" _God, did I hurt you? Oh, God!_ " Amanda exclaimed, looking at her lover all wide-eyed.

" _Not now…_ " Olivia stated firmly, not wanting to talk. " _I need to get off, give me your hand._ "

Amanda was still slightly in shock at what she'd done to her lover. " _Your hand!_ " Olivia rushed her. She needed her release now.

Olivia was now directly on top of Amanda and face-to-face with her. Amanda held up her left hand. Olivia took it in her right hand and brought it to her drenched center. The brunette cupped her center with Amanda's hand, then cupped Amanda's hand with her own. She quickly inserted Amanda's pointer finger, middle finger, and ring finger into herself and began rocking back and forth on top of the woman.

Amanda watched in amazement as the woman on top of her took charge, directing her movements so quickly.

" _Ahh… yessss_ " Olivia hissed as she sped up her rhythm. She's been ready to blow as soon as Amanda had cum.

" _Uh,_ " She grunted as she pushed Amanda's fingers harder into her and sped up her pace.

" _Curl your fingers…. Amanda, I need you to curl your fingers!_ " She told Amanda while panting. Of course, Amanda did as she was told immediately and that's all it took for Olivia to go tumbling over the edge.

" _Yes… yes! AH!_ " Olivia yelled as she came undone. Her eyes rolled back in her head and then slammed shut. Her mouth came open in an "O" shape as her body shook and convulsed.

Olivia's rocking into Amanda's hand slowed down as her orgasm finally came to a halt.

She was out of breath now. " _Shit…_ " she whispered, and small beads of sweat had formed on her forehead. The brunette removed Amanda's hand from her center. Olivia felt around on the ground beside the couch for a shirt, either hers or Amanda's, she didn't care which. When her hand came into contact with clothing, she grabbed it and gently wiped her juices from Amanda's hand and then wiped her own hands.

Olivia let her body go limp on top of Amanda's but she made sure to brace her forearms on the couch beside Amanda's head to prevent all of her weight from crushing her girlfriend. Finally, she rested her forehead on Amanda's left shoulder as she began to finally catch her breath. Olivia weaved their legs, putting one of Amanda's between her own.

After a few seconds, she felt Amanda's fingers weave through her hair again but this time it was a gentle and soft touch.

Amanda licked her lips before she spoke. " _Did I hurt you?_ " The blonde whispered and Olivia could hear fear etched in the woman's voice.

Olivia turned her head towards Amanda's neck. " _No, baby…_ " she promised her and gave her a loving kiss on the neck.

" _I'm sorry. I didn't… I didn't realize I was being so rough…_ " Amanda stated in another whisper.

" _Hey…_ " Olivia called to her, leaning up and making eye contact with her. " _You didn't hurt me… I liked it and I look forward to you doing it again._ " Olivia smiled. " _Maybe next time, I'll put my hair in a ponytail for you to hold onto…_ " the older woman told her lightly, with a hint of seduction in her tone. " _It was hot…_ " and she leaned down to peck Amanda's lips.

They laid in silence for a few more minutes. Olivia had shifted to where she was laying into Amanda's side, so most of her weight was put on the couch underneath them. She's also grabbed a blanket from the chair behind them because she still had no desire to put on clothes currently. Olivia's head rested on the younger woman's chest while her arms were secured around the woman's tiny waist.

Amanda was rubbing Olivia's arm gently, keeping them both content.

" _You taking control of my hand like that…_ " Amanda started off and Olivia looked up at her. " _It was fucking hot…_ " The brunette smiled and hugged Amanda tightly.

" _We can't wait that long again…_ " Olivia said, talking about their sex life.

" _I know…_ " Amanda huffed. " _Work got busy and we lost track of this… we can't do that._ " She agreed.

Pillow talk between the two of them ranged to a variety of things. It always depended what was going on at the moment and what their emotions were afterwards.

" _How did your sponsor take the break-up?_ " Olivia asked quietly and she couldn't help but feel slightly jealous and protective over Amanda. She was glad the younger woman had decided to drop her sponsor. He had a crush on Amanda and he wasn't supposed to be a 'he' at all anyways, it was against the rules. He was no good for her and it was something that Olivia had worried about constantly. Not that she worried about Amanda cheating, but that this sponsor guy might try to take things to the next level, that he was in AA and might not take "no" for an answer too well if he was drinking.

Olivia had done some detective work, she knew who he was and that he fell off the wagon more than he stayed on.

The blonde rolled her eyes. " _It wasn't a break-up, Liv._ " Olivia smiled, she knew that of course. " _He wasn't happy… said I'd end up relapsing without him…_ " Amanda trailed off.

" _You won't…_ " Olivia stated the obvious. " _And if you did, it wouldn't be because of him…_ " If Amanda were to relapse, it would have nothing to do with him and he also hadn't been the one keeping her straight either so technically, he was barely in the equation at all.

" _I know…_ " Amanda whispered, scooting down on the couch to change their position to where she was now the one laying on Olivia's chest, laying on Olivia's right side.

Olivia figured her girlfriend must be feeling vulnerable so she hugged her tightly and kissed her forehead. However, Olivia noticed Amanda hadn't pulled the blanket back over them, it rested at Olivia's hips, and Amanda's right hand hadn't stilled at her waist. It had begun to creep up her body until the blonde was firmly grasping her left breast and in a turn of events, Amanda took Olivia's right nipple into her mouth.

The brunette took a deep intake of breath. " _Ohhh…_ " she moaned slowly, closing her eyes and unconsciously moving her torso to push her breast further into Amanda's mouth.

The blonde grazed Olivia's nipple with her teeth as she lightly bit down while still sucking. Her right hand continued to kneed Olivia's left breast.

Olivia swallowed and slowly slipped her left hand under the blanket and began slowly rubbing her clit in a circular motion. Amanda's eyes lit up. Olivia was playing with herself and this was a site the blonde had yet to see.

The younger woman stopped her movements with her right hand and lips just long enough to lean up and push the blanket to Olivia's knees. Amanda saw Olivia's hand moving back and forth and she was instantly aroused, instantly wet again.

Olivia kept her eyes closed and focused on her movements but she'd felt Amanda move and she'd felt the rush of air hit her pelvis. She knew Amanda had moved the blanket down. A smile grazed her mouth and she bit her lips, knowing Amanda was watching her made her even more aroused.

Amanda quickly latched onto Olivia's nipple once more, her tongue swirling and her other hand had gone back to touching and pinching the brunette's other nipple.

" _Uhhhh…_ " Olivia let out and it was a beautiful sound of her arousal. Amanda continued her motions with her mouth, but moved her head back and forth between looking at Olivia's face and looking between her legs.

" _Baby… I need you to bite my nipple… harder…_ " Olivia panted to Amanda, and the older woman wrapped her right arm around Amanda's back, going under her arm and grabbing a handful of Amanda's breast, squeezing. Amanda moaned and complied instantly.

" _Yes…_ " Olivia hissed as she felt the pain and arousal coming from her right nipple where Amanda's lips were locked.

" _That's it… yes… I'm about to cum… bite down harder, Amanda._ " Olivia panted frantically, now speeding up her hand to where she was shaking them both with her fast movements as she rubbed to clit to the point of orgasm.

" _Yes… ah! AH! FUCK!_ " Olivia yelled as she came hard. She bucked her hips as she rode out her orgasm. It lasted longer than her first and she was in ecstasy as her eyes bunched up, shutting tight.

Amanda released her movements on both of Olivia's breast as the she came down from her high. The blonde looked at the nipple she had been biting down on. It was angry and red. Then she spotted a small red spot on one of the teeth marks. She'd made Olivia bleed. Amanda dipped her head down once more and licked the small spot of blood up. It was tiny really, almost not visible but it would have caused a lot to draw blood and Olivia hadn't stopped her.

Olivia opened her eyes and looked down at her chest to see what Amanda was doing with her now sensitive nipple. She saw what had happened and she just pulled Amanda closer to her, sitting up briefly to pull the covers back up.

Amanda was perched up on her left arm so she could look at Olivia.

" _You like the pain,_ " she observed, looking at the older woman with a calm face. But Olivia's face wasn't calm, Amanda had seen a flash of panic in the woman's eyes but it was only for a moment and she had hidden it well.

" _I'll never hurt you, Amanda. I swear._ " Olivia breathed out in a whisper, looking to Amanda.

The blonde cocked her head even more to the side. " _Olivia Benson has a kink…_ " Amanda commented with a small smile.

" _I mean it. I never want to hurt you… I'll never do that or… make you bleed._ " Olivia swore to her. " _I don't get off on your pain or inflicting pain… I swear to God I don't._ " She reassured her.

Amanda cupped the brunette's cheek with her right hand and leaned down for a kiss. It was soft and sweet. When she pulled away from Olivia's face, her hand remained on the other woman's cheek.

" _I understand… I believe you…_ " Amanda told her honestly. " _Don't be afraid to share things with me like this. I care about you, that's not going to change because of some kink you have in bed. Don't be ashamed… it's okay._ " The blonde brought her forehead to Olivia's and Olivia closed her eyes tightly, like she was pained that Amanda had seen this side of her.

" _It's okay…_ " Amanda repeated but in a whisper this time.

They both pulled back but Amanda stayed propped up and looking at her girlfriend.

" _I don't know why… and it doesn't happen often, it will be a very rare thing, or it never has to happen again…_ " Olivia told her quietly. " _I'm not into S &M or anything like that, I promise._" The older woman was really going overboard. She was starting to ramble. " _I'll never hurt you,_ " she stared into Amanda's eyes and it was like staring into her soul. " _I need you to know that. I promise baby, I will never, ever hurt you._ "

" _I trust you, Olivia._ " Amanda told her and engulfed her in a hug. Their bodies were pressed firmly against each other and Olivia held Amanda tightly, wrapping her arms around the younger woman's shoulders and putting a hand on the back of her blonde hair.

Amanda pulled back long enough for them to kiss once more. They were both laying on their sides now, facing each other and in close proximity.

" _I don't mind doing it to you, as long as it's what you want…_ " Amanda whispered to her. " _It has to be what you want, you have to enjoy it…_ " she told her honestly.

Olivia swallowed. " _Okay…_ " she told Amanda in an unsure whisper.

Amanda didn't feel the need to voice that she'd never want it done to her. She was still a rape survivor and she wasn't sure she'd ever want pain inflicted on her willingly but she was more than happy to spice up their bedroom life if it was what Olivia wanted to do from time-to-time.

" _How did I get so lucky?_ " Olivia asked her, giving the younger woman a loving smile.

" _I'm the lucky one._ " Amanda replied and they kissed once more.

 **Hmmm…**


	6. Chance Encounter

**I can't say I'm a full on Tuckson shipper but I did like Olivia and Ed together and I loved the way their dynamic worked.**

They stood out of the way beside the checkout counter of their favorite Chinese place awaiting their to-go order. Olivia had ordered their usual.

Tonight was going to be a quiet, peaceful night for her and Ed, just basking in the glow of their relationship and spending the evening eating their Chinese takeout while watching one of the Netflix original shows that they'd both gotten addicted to.

Olivia and Ed were standing side-by-side talking.

" _You finally finish up the case?_ " Olivia asked him as she waited for their food to arrive.

He huffed. " _I thought it was date night…_ " He replied. " _No shop talk…_ "

She gave him a thin smile. That meant that either the case wasn't closed or that it was, but it hadn't ended on a decent note.

" _Okay, no shop talk._ " Olivia agreed, not wanting to put a damper on the night.

Lucy was waiting at home with Noah. The plan was to put Noah to bed early tonight so she and Ed could have some personal time. They were both off the next day and they intended to sleep in as much as Noah would allow them to, then spend the day with him maybe at the park or the zoo.

" _I picked up a bottle of your favorite wine… It's in the car._ " Ed told her, smiling.

Olivia's eyes lit up. Her absolute favorite wine was a bit expensive so she didn't have it near as often as she'd like to. She laced her hands together in front of her as she smiled at him. He was planning on getting her tipsy tonight, that much was clear. Ed liked what happened when she had a couple of glasses of wine. She was known for getting handsy in the best way but they'd have to be careful of Noah because she was also known for getting a bit loud.

Noah wasn't at the age to where he'd know what was going on, it'd mostly just be a noise disturbing his sleeping schedule but Ed would remain sober. He'd never let her son hear them making love. However, Ed was also grateful that there was a bathroom between the master bedroom and the toddlers room, as well as being thankful that the toddler was a heavy sleeper.

" _You don't have to try so hard to get laid, Ed…_ " Olivia whispered with a smile. " _But I do very muchly appreciate the wine…_ "

He leaned in and gave her a peck on the lips as he wondered if they'd fuck as soon as Noah was down and then watch their TV show while they ate or vice versa.

" _They're taking forever to bring us our order…_ " Ed commented as he gazed around the restaurant. Unfortunately, this was a nicer Chinese place, which meant that it didn't have a buffet to quickly fill up a to-go box from and leave. It was more of a restaurant. Still, their order shouldn't have taken more than twenty minutes and Olivia had called it in before Ed had picked her up from the one-six.

" _Maybe that's it?_ " Olivia said, as she pointed to two large to-go bags full of food that had just been sat down on the counter.

Ed raised his eyebrows. " _How much food did you order?_ " He asked in question.

Olivia nodded. " _Yeah, you're right. That's way too much food to be our order…_ " She commented.

" _Yeah… it's definitely not our order…_ " He said with conviction. His head was turned looking at the door and Olivia's ears registered something in Ed's voice. It wasn't fear, just minor concern. But it was enough to make her turn her head to where he was staring.

It all happened in slow motion.

Elliot Stabler had entered the restaurant and was walking towards the counter. Olivia's breath hitched, the smile faded from her face, and she took a step back, pushing her body back against Ed's chest. She hadn't meant to do any of those things, it had just been an instant reaction, a reflex.

He must have heard her because Elliot looked her way and they locked eyes. He was clearly caught off guard but so was she.

His stride slowed as he made it to the counter not far from where she and Ed were standing. Olivia felt a warm hand on resting on her hip.

" _Breathe…_ " Ed leaned down and whispered into her ear. He was her support system and would be no matter what was about to happen between her and Elliot.

She listened to him and took a deep breath, keeping her eyes on Elliot, who had no doubt registered that Ed Tucker was standing closely behind her.

Elliot's face showed surprise and he opened his mouth to say something to Olivia but before he could get the words out, he was interrupted by the cashier.

" _Elliot_ _Stabler!_ " The Chinese man called to him, clearly knowing who he was.

Olivia stared at the two large takeout bags as she realized that they belonged to the Stabler clan.

" _It's going to be sixty-four dollars and thirty cents._ " The man said.

" _Man, you're killing me…_ " Elliot said as he handed over his credit card to be processed.

The older Chinese man smiled. " _I gave you family discount._ " He said.

Elliot smiled at the man. He was clearly a regular customer here.

Olivia watched the exchange happen. It was a lot of food, so much so that she wondered how she could have almost mistaken it for her own order just moments before. The kids would be all grown now and mostly on their own the exception of Eli so they must all be home visiting or something to that effect. Olivia had often wondered how the kids were doing.

Elliot took his card back and signed the receipt. " _Have a nice night._ "

The older man told him. " _You too._ " Elliot replied with a smile. Then took a bag in each hand and turned around to leave.

She couldn't breath again.

He looked at her like he was at a loss for words. He opened his mouth but then shut it quickly. Elliot gave her a small nod to at least acknowledge her presence, then he quickly turned and headed towards the door, using his shoulder to push it open.

Olivia's mouth opened quickly. " _Wait!_ " She called just moments after he'd exited the building. She hastily jogged towards the door that he'd just gone through. She glanced back at Ed, who nodded at her with a thin smile. He would stay there and wait for their order to be ready while she did whatever she needed to do.

She opened the door to see Elliot to her right, walking down the sidewalk towards the parking lot.

" _Elliot, wait!_ " She called after him and ran to catch up.

He stopped upon hearing her. This wasn't an encounter that he'd been looking forward to but he could hear her running and he'd wait.

" _I'm not mad!_ " She called as she neared him, like she was scared he'd still leave even though he was standing still. It was like she thought that if Elliot thought she was still mad or that they'd fight, he'd take off.

Olivia jogged in front of him and put up a hand as if to halt him from moving further even though she didn't actually touch him.

" _I'm not… mad… well, not anymore…_ " She said as she tried to catch her breath. " _Just give me a sec… fuck, I'm getting old…_ " She took deep breaths.

Elliot nodded with a small smile.

" _Catch your breath, Liv._ " He told her calmly as he sat down the takeout bags on the side of the sidewalk to hopefully show her that for the moment, he was here. He'd smiled at her comment about being old because they were both getting old. Elliot was in his fifties now and Olivia would be too in about two or three years.

" _How are you?_ " She asked once she was closer to breathing normal again. Olivia didn't know quite what to ask him or how much to reveal to him.

" _I'm good._ " Elliot told her.

Then awkward silence hit them.

She wanted to say more but she didn't know exactly what to say and neither did he. This was uncharted territory for them. There wasn't even a 'them' anymore. Olivia didn't know how to be his friend and not his partner but she'd never been given the chance to learn.

" _I'm sorry…_ " Olivia said, running her left hand down her face. " _I'm not trying to make this weird… I just don't know what to say… I wasn't prepared to see you here._ "

Elliot smiled at her. " _Likewise._ " He replied. " _That's a nice rock._ " He commented as he decided to try and start the conversation off for them, nodding his head towards her left-hand ring finger.

She glanced at her left hand where she had momentarily forgotten her ring was residing at. Usually, she took her ring off at work. She didn't like people she didn't know, especially perps, knowing that she had someone special in her life that she was attached to. Today though, she'd worn her ring. Olivia was still trying to get use to wearing it or to even having a ring at all to wear on that finger.

" _Yeah._ " A big smile graced her face as she looked at it. It was decent sized. Not small but not too big. Ed didn't have to spend tons of money on his wife's shopping habits anymore after they divorced so he'd started saving it and the man rarely took vacations. He'd picked the thing out himself and it took Olivia some getting use to.

" _Happiness suits you, Liv._ " He said. Elliot was bursting with pride. He couldn't help it, he was so damn proud of her for making a life for herself.

" _Thanks._ " She beamed.

Elliot took a deep breath. " _So, you're Mrs. Tucker?_ " He asked, trying not to choke on the words. He had hated Tucker with a passion but it was hard to hate a man who made Olivia so fucking happy.

Olivia laughed. " _Hell no._ " She replied. " _Olivia Tucker, could you imagine?_ " Elliot joined her in laughing as he crossed his arms over his chest. He was still as muscular as ever even in his older age.

" _We're not married yet._ " Olivia explained. " _But when we do tie the knot, I'm keeping Benson._ "

Elliot gave a small nod and cocked his head to the side.

" _Tucker okay with that?_ " He asked.

" _He doesn't have a choice._ " She replied instantly, like he should have already known the answer to that.

Elliot let out a small snort. " _Yeah, you always did wear the pants in your relationships…_ " He gave her a small smile. " _Can't say I ever expected you to get with him though… he tried to put you away for murder… he tried to put us both away several times._ "

" _I know._ " She agreed. " _It was easier to get past that than I expected, believe me_." Olivia explained. " _But he's… different…_ " She took a deep breath and shook her head lightly. " _We only knew a small part of him. He's sweet and kind. He has a heart of gold and… he's everything I need and want._ "

Elliot uncrossed his arms and stuffed his hands in his front pockets of his jeans.

" _I'm so happy to hear that._ " He told her honestly. " _I'm really glad you've found someone… even if he's from the rat squad._ " Elliot joked.

Olivia rolled her eyes but laughed.

" _He's retiring._ " She confessed.

Elliot shrugged. " _Yeah. It'd be a conflict of interest for Detective Benson to marry the head of IAB…_ "

" _Lieutenant Benson._ " Olivia gently corrected.

" _Wow._ " He said with a surprised face. " _Congratulations._ "

" _Thanks._ " She said. " _I actually command the squad now. I have Cragen's office._ "

Elliot stared at her, as if he was realizing just how far she'd come in the amount of time that he'd been gone. Maybe he had always held her back and hadn't given her room to grow.

She would have never filed for the sergeant's exam or the lieutenant's exam while he was her partner because it could have meant that she'd potentially be moved to another squad to be their sergeant. She never would have had a successful relationship with him there either.

Olivia took in his stance. It looked as if he was going to get emotional for a moment.

" _I'm proud of you._ " He whispered, his voice thick with emotion.

" _I knew you would be._ " She said calmly.

It was true, they'd been close enough that she knew he'd support her advance in her career if he'd been there to witness it.

" _I'm a grandpa._ " Elliot said randomly, trying to the subject in an attempt to better control his emotions.

Olivia's face lit up.

" _Who?_ " She asked quickly, wanting to know which of his children had birthed a child first but made a mental note to tell him about Noah as soon as he finished divulging information about his grandchildren.

" _Maureen and Kathleen…_ " He said, glowing with pride. " _Maureen's married and well, Kathleen's not but she and Dave seem to have a solid relationship and they're good a co-parenting…_ " Elliot shrugged. " _I can't fault her. Kathy and I weren't married either when we got pregnant…_ "

" _The apple doesn't fall far from the tree…_ " Olivia said with humor in her eyes, which caused Elliot to smile. She was toying with him. " _They call you Grandpa?_ " Olivia asked. He gave her a fake unimpressed look. " _Papa._ " He corrected her.

" _Papa._ " She repeated, trying the name out. " _I like it. Grandfatherhood suits you._ " She told him, genuinely happy for him. Olivia smiled and bit her bottom lip. " _I have a son…_ " She confessed, slightly nervous for some reason but she saw Elliot's eyes soften at her statement.

" _You're finally a mom…_ " He almost whispered.

" _Yeah. Oh!_ " Olivia exclaimed as she remembered that she had a picture of herself with Noah as her lock screen on her iPhone.

She quickly dug out her from her back pocked and pressed the side button to light up the screen. It was a picture of Noah sitting in her lap. His tiny hands were wrapped around her pointer fingers on each hand. Her smile was big and bright and it looked like Noah had been in the middle of laughing when the picture was taken.

" _God, he's beautiful._ " Elliot said as he stared at the screen. " _Look at that head of hair. He looks so much like you._ "

Olivia laughed. " _I hear that so much and it makes me so happy…. Noah's adopted._ " She said, telling him her son's name and birth status all in one sentence. " _My heart is so full Elliot, you have no idea._ "

" _Nah._ " Elliot disagreed. " _You're glowing, radiant. You're smiling. It shows._ " He did have an idea. He could tell exactly how happy she was.

She smiled at him as she put her phone back in her pocket. Then her smile faded slightly.

" _He's a child of rape._ " She confided in Elliot, who looked saddened to hear it. That was a burden that no child should have to bear.

" _He's got the best mom to help him through it whenever those emotions surface, though._ " He told her. " _He'll be alright. And if he's not, you'll be there to help him… that's a road you've already traveled._ " Elliot stated. " _He'll have a better childhood than you did… than both of us did._ "

" _Yeah…_ " Olivia sighed. Sometimes, it was easy to forget that Elliot had also grown up in his own hell with his father beating him and his bi-polar mother.

They'd been so caught up in conversation that neither one had noticed Tucker making his way to them. Olivia was the first to realize someone else was in their presence. Her eyes lit up as she saw him. Ed was carrying a to-go back in his left hand.

" _They'd gotten our order mixed up with another one. Took them a few minutes to sort it out but I got it._ " Ed said as he reached her and wrapped his right arm protectively around her mid section. " _Everything okay?_ " He asked from his stance behind her.

" _We're good._ " She said while looking at Elliot. " _We're okay._ " Olivia told him as she rested her hands on top of his arm that was hugging her.

" _Alright._ " Tucker said. " _I'll be in the car. Take all the time you need, I'm gonna call Caitlin and check in with her._ " He told Olivia as he leaned in and kissed her on the cheek lovingly. " _Stabler._ " He said, giving Elliot a nod, acknowledging him but not willing to stand and talk. This was something that Olivia needed to finish in case she didn't get another chance to talk to him. Plus, Ed didn't think he could talk to Elliot without getting angry, not after the way Elliot had left Olivia without a word.

Elliot nodded back. " _Tucker._ " He said.

Then both Elliot and Olivia watched as Ed walked away and pulled out his phone as he began to round the corner to head to the car.

" _That was for show._ " Elliot observed. " _He was staking his claim on you…_ " He smiled as Olivia turned to face him again. She was blushing and she looked deliriously happy.

" _I know…_ " She smiled, beaming. " _He's protective but not overprotective because he knows I can hold my own. He's exactly what I need and everything I could want._ " Olivia told him.

Elliot rocked back and forth on his heels slightly.

" _He's in love with you… goofy grin and all._ " Elliot told her.

" _Yeah well, I'm in love with him too…_ " Olivia said, shrugging.

He faked a scoff. " _Just wait until the honeymoon phase is over…_ " They both laughed.

It was a nice night. It wasn't too hot or cold. It was a Monday night so everything wasn't overly crowded. Olivia was actually surprised they hadn't been interrupted by pedestrians on the sidewalk but then again they weren't on the main sidewalk by the road and the only foot traffic coming through would have been for the restaurant.

" _Hey, El?_ " She called out to him, suddenly looking more vulnerable than she probably ever had during her entire life. Elliot focused on her, wondering what she was about to say.

" _I um… I was in love with you too._ "

And there it was. The very words that hurt them both. Elliot instantly shut his eyes tightly as if he'd been struck with something. Olivia bit her bottom lip. She wasn't panicking, she was just nervous but it was something she needed to say, something that needed to be said.

He wasn't going to admit that he'd had feelings for her too. Olivia's feelings were far stronger but still. He wasn't going to admit it now, not when she was happy and in a better place and he was finally happy, living at home with Kathy and retired. His marriage was back to being good. He still loved Olivia as a person, he always would but as far as his romantic feelings go for her, he'd buried them so deep that they would never be accessed again.

" _You used Jenna as an excuse to leave me._ "

Another shot was fired. Elliot literally took a step back away from her. He'd hated what he'd done to her.

" _In the beginning, it wasn't like that._ " Elliot told her as he finally opened his eyes to look at her. " _I swear I was coming back, I was, it's just…_ "

" _Just what?_ " She hoarsely whispered, cocking her head to the side.

" _It was a mixture of what I did to Jenna, you, there were some pills involved… I wasn't in a good place mentally…_ " He tried to explain as he turned to stare at the ground.

Olivia started shaking her head.

" _I'm not mad you left… I never was, El. You earned it. What happened was shitty. Shooting someone your daughter's age? I can't imagine what that did to you._ " Olivia said. Elliot looked up to her with wide eyes. " _I was upset because I didn't get a goodbye. I didn't get closure… it… it was hard to move on from that._ " Olivia told him honestly.

" _If I would have answered your calls, you woulda convinced me to come back. That or we would have done something we regretted… I'd have done just about anything for you, Olivia. You know that._ "

She looked at him with sad eyes. Olivia was mostly sad because she understood where he was coming from and she'd never fault him for trying to save his marriage or needing a mental break from reality. He was right. She would have begged him to stay, to not leave her.

Olivia wasn't sure if Elliot was referring to sex as the thing they might have done and regretted but she didn't want to ask. She'd leave that statement alone.

Elliot shrugged and shook his head as his eyes watered.

" _I know I should say I'm sorry but… I'm not._ " He said softly. " _Olivia, look at you… you have a son, you're about to have a husband. You finally have a family. You've moved up the rank and are commanding the squad? Are you kidding?_ " Elliot swallowed hard. " _The best thing I ever did for you was leaving you._ "

*SLAP*

" _Oh, fuck!_ " Olivia exclaimed as she covered her mouth with both hands. " _Oh my god, I'm so sorry!_ " She'd slapped him. It had been like she'd lost control of her hand. Her emotions were getting the best of her.

She'd never wanted him to leave and it had briefly angered her that he thought it was the best thing he'd done for her. That hurt. If he could have seen the pain she'd gone through, if he could have seen her hurting, he would have thought differently.

He could have at least written her a goodbye letter, something. Just so she'd have closure.

Elliot gently placed his hand over the area of his face that stung. Olivia Benson had a mean right hook. He was just lucky that she'd slapped him and not punched him.

Her eyes were filled with water. " _I'm sorry._ " She whispered.

Elliot shook his head lightly and removed his hand. He'd deserved the slap, so he wasn't mad about it. He'd hurt Olivia Benson. She wasn't close to many people in her life but the one man she'd manage to get the closet to had burned her the worst.

" _Come here._ " He said as he walked closer to her, gently putting his arms around her shoulders to draw her into a hug. Olivia's hands cover her face just before she impacted Elliot's chest.

All the sudden she was sobbing. She'd though she'd be able to keep her emotions in check during the conversation but apparently not.

" _I'm sorry._ " She said through her tears. " _I'm so sorry… I'm just… I'm sorry._ " Olivia was no long apologizing for just the slap. " _I fucked up our partnership. I fucked up our friendship. I'm sorry._ "

Elliot held her closely as tears flooded his eyes.

" _Don't apologize, Liv._ " He tried to calm her but at the same time he knew she needed to cry it out. " _You don't ever apologize for love. It happens, we worked thirteen to sixteen-hour days together sometimes. When you spend that much time with someone, sometimes it just happens._ " He promised. " _You're okay. I'm okay. Everything is fine. I… I developed some feelings too so I took myself out of the equation._ " He'd decided to confess. It seemed like they were putting everything out on the table anyways.

Olivia finally leaned back and Elliot released her from his hold.

" _God, Kathy must hate me._ " She stated as she wiped her eyes and tried to keep her make up from smudging.

" _She doesn't have a reason to hate you._ " Elliot told her. " _You helped deliver Eli. You saved her life. You had feelings, knew about them, and still kept your distance… She thinks you're a saint._ " Elliot explained with a thoughtful look.

Olivia looked down and bit her lip. " _She knows how I felt about you?_ " She asked hesitantly.

Elliot nodded. " _She's my wife. Aside from case related stuff, we tell each other everything. Gotta stay honest and not hide things, it's how we make the marriage work…_ " Elliot narrowed his eyes at her and became more serious. " _You've gotta do that with Tucker too, Liv. If something's wrong or something happens, confide in him. Keep him in the loop. You can't shut down like you use to, he needs to be able to be there for you and you need to be able to let him. And vice versa._ "

She let out a small watery laugh as she wiped her eyes again and sniffled.

" _Yeah well, luckily the hardship of our relationship has come and gone. There are small hurdles but they're nothing compared to the big one. We've gotten past it and now our small arguments are laughable._ " Olivia told Elliot.

He looked confused and slightly worried.

" _Can I ask what the big hurdle was?_ " Elliot asked hesitantly. He didn't want to cross a line but something inside him made him ask, just on the off chance that something wasn't right with Tucker. He didn't think the guy was a wife beater or anything but you can never be too sure.

" _Umm…_." Olivia wasn't sure she wanted to get into it. It wasn't really the time or place but she wasn't sure she'd ever see Elliot again, so she might as well. " _I don't know if you heard or not but… I was kidnapped and sexually assaulted._ "

Olivia could see Elliot's eyes darken and his body stiffen, but he didn't look surprised.

He glanced around their surroundings before speaking again.

" _I know… I called Cragen the minute I heard. Both times._ "

Olivia's mouth opened in astonishment. " _But… but you didn't…_ "

Elliot shook his head. " _You didn't need me. You had a whole team for a support system. You had therapists, friends, co-workers… I don't know the extent of your sexual assault but I do know you weren't raped. Or at least that's what you said in your statements…_ "

Olivia looked taken aback. How did he know what she said? Cragen must have told him. But that didn't make sense because Cragen wasn't even there the second time she battled Lewis. Maybe he got it from her file? She hadn't even told Cragen everything after all. Maybe Elliot still had a buddy on the force who knew the Benson and Stabler duo from the past, who would have given Elliot her file if he asked.

She was almost hurt… almost.

" _You… you read my statements?_ " She wondered out loud. Olivia wasn't even going to bother asking him how that was possible. He'd never tell her anyways.

Elliot bit his lip. " _I am sorry for that. It's an invasion of privacy and if you want to slap me again, I'll understand._ " He told her. " _But you gotta know, if you'd been raped, I would have come running._ "

She was still shocked.

" _Cragen never mentioned that you called._ " She said, finding it hard to believe that the older man would have lied to her.

" _He wasn't allowed to. I wouldn't let him. I didn't want to fuck up your recovery. You didn't need me to interfere with that._ " Elliot said.

" _You're wrong. I needed you._ " She said softly. " _I would have given anything just to have a conversation with you._ "

" _I thought it would mess up your healing if I dropped by. It seemed wrong to leave you like I did and just pop by when you'd been assaulted…_ " Elliot told her.

" _I would have understood._ " She promised, looking sad.

" _I'm sorry… I didn't know that. I thought… otherwise._ " He stated and Olivia nodded in understanding. " _If he had… raped you, he would have disappeared. Just… just know that…_ " Elliot told her with glassy eyes, letting her know that he would have basically killed Lewis and made the body disappear. It wouldn't have been that hard either. He'd just have to contact some of his friends who'd hold the same grudge and they'd get it done pretty quickly. They all had the same police and medical training. " _Hell, I wanted to make him disappear when I heard read your statement…_ " Elliot told her.

" _I was a wreck._ " Olivia said. " _The statement was nothing. I was ten times worse in person…_ "

" _You didn't… leave anything out of the statement, did you?_ " He asked slowly, now second guessing himself because of the expression on Olivia's face.

" _I wasn't raped._ "

The statement was music to his ears. He felt like he could breathe again because for a moment there, he doubted what he'd thought to be true.

" _I wasn't…_ " She said again, just for good measure. " _I somehow managed to avoid that but… that doesn't mean it was any easier or less traumatizing…_ " She said. There was a small touch of anger and annoyance in her voice. She was a little frustrated that he hadn't deemed her to suffer enough for him to make an appearance.

" _It's doesn't mean that at all, God it doesn't. I'm just… I'm trying to understand as much as I can without putting myself in a hole again… I have PTSD from shooting Jenna… Plus my developed pill addiction that I had to kick. I… I just have odd triggers sometimes…_ " Elliot confessed and Olivia's face softened with concern. " _I still don't know all of them. Sometimes I get triggered by the weirdest stuff._ "

" _Yeah…_ " She eyed him. " _My PTSD is a bitch too._ " Elliot looked at her with sad eyes. Her PTSD was probably much worse than his, he knew that. " _What happened to me sucked and I had a lot of guilt._ "

Elliot's eyebrows bunched together in confusion.

" _You can't possibly blame yourself for that. You know the drill, Liv…_ " He told her strongly.

She nodded. " _Yes, but Lewis grabbed me in my home. I didn't pull my gun because I thought my boyfriend at the time was home…_ " Olivia stated.

" _You said boyfriend at the time… as in not Tucker…?_ "

Olivia rolled her eyes and smiled. He was fishing for information. Even after all this time he still wanted info on who the man in her life was. Typical Elliot Stabler.

" _Yeah. I kind of went through several men after you left…_ " She confessed. " _It was a mess. I was a mess… Anyways._ " She said, trying to change the subject.

It was true. She'd ended up in bed with David Haden right after Elliot left, even though she'd been hesitant to sleep with him. Then she'd had a few sleepovers with Bayard Ellis that she had initiated. There were a couple of guys that she'd met at bars… It'd basically been a train wreck. Then there was Brian Cassidy, who she somehow managed to have an actual relationship with…

" _Went through them as in…_ " Elliot said slowly, not willing to let it go.

Olivia rolled her eyes again. " _I slept around after you left, okay. Call it a midlife crisis… I was just tired of looking for someone to settle down and have kids with and my feelings and emotions were fucked up…_ "

Elliot nodded in understanding her.

" _So, this hurtle…_ " He said, trying to get back on topic because clearly she was becoming uncomfortable.

" _Ed interviewed me after Lewis happened. He already knew what had happened. I didn't have to explain anything. The scars bother me but not him… Intimacy is hard sometimes but he works with me on it…_ " Olivia explained, not wanting to give Elliot details of her and Ed's sex life.

She couldn't say that she minded. She and Elliot had always been able to talk about that stuff but he'd usually keep things regarding Kathy personal and that's exactly what she was doing now. She wasn't going to give Elliot information that Ed might not be comfortable with.

" _I started drinking too much wine…_ " She said and Elliot looked panicked. She could have sworn a mixture of his father and her mother flashed before his eyes. " _I'm not an alcoholic…_ " She said quickly to ease his mind. " _I'm not. I can have alcohol. It just… almost got out of control… I almost crossed the line but I didn't. Ed had been watching, he pulled me back. It was a big fight but… well, I stopped drinking for a while but I'm okay and we're still together._ " She shrugged trying to make it seem like it wasn't a big deal even though it was.

" _I'm glad you have him._ " Elliot told her honestly, looking at her with content.

Olivia glanced down at his forgotten bags of food on the sidewalk.

" _I'm sorry I've held you up…_ " She said, looking at her watch. " _Shit, we've almost been talking for forty minutes…_ " Olivia said surprised. " _Your food is probably cold… your family is probably starving._ "

Elliot let out a laugh. " _They'll be fine._ " He said, sensing it was getting time to say goodbye.

" _It was nice to see you. I'm glad this happened…_ " She said. " _I've missed you._ "

" _I've missed you too, Liv._ " He said.

She smiled and glanced back towards the corner where she needed to go to get to the car.

" _Can I?_ " Olivia asked, holding her arms out slightly, asking for a goodbye hug.

" _Of course._ " Elliot answered, and went in for the hug.

Olivia closed her eyes and inhaled his scent. It'd been a long time since she'd smelled it, that familiar cologne. They held each other for a moment and they let go.

She looked at him with sad eyes.

" _Well, I guess this is real goodbye…_ " Olivia whispered as her eyes began to involuntarily water. She gave Elliot a small smile as he picked his bags back up.

Olivia started to back away slowly.

" _I'm parked around there too. Why don't we walk together?_ " He suggested.

She nodded, wiping her eyes. This was harder than she expected. She knew seeing him again would be hard but she hadn't anticipated having to watch him leave her.

" _So,_ " Elliot said, bringing her out of her thoughts. " _Kathy and I are hosting this fourth of July thing a couple of months…_ " He told her. " _If it's a no, I understand. If you just can't do it mentally, it's fine… but I bet Kathy would like to have you, Tucker, and Noah over. We're inviting all our family friends…_ " He said.

Elliot was throwing her a line. He was giving her an open line of communication. A way to stay in touch but not get too close.

Olivia's eyes lit up as she looked at him while they walked.

" _I would love for you to meet Noah, Elliot._ " She told him.

The little boy would love the fireworks. It would be his first real fourth of July event. In the city, you can't shoot fireworks but she could see several from her home last year. She'd held Noah up and let him look at all the different colors. But if this was at Elliot's house, there'd be fireworks with the kids and grandkids.

" _And I'd love to meet him._ " Elliot said. Then he took a deep breath. " _I don't think we can ever be as close as we once were… it's better that we're not but… I do miss being your friend._ " He whispered.

" _It's okay, El. I understand. I missed you as my friend too…_ " She told him as they rounded the corner. " _Is Kathy going to be okay with this?_ " She asked.

" _Yeah. You're gonna have a husband. You have a kid. She knows I'm not a cheat and neither are you. Our feelings are in the past… I think we can focus on our kids now._ " He told her.

Olivia smiled and nodded.

She spotted Ed in the driver's seat of their car. He was watching her, probably looking for warning signs that she needed him or that her conversation with Elliot hadn't gone well.

Their food was cold as well and Lucy will have already put Noah to bed when they arrive home. She was definitely going to fuck him as soon as her babysitter was out the door. He deserved a good fuck after waiting on her for so long to talk to the man that she had previously been in love with.

Elliot had spotted him too.

" _How much does Tucker know about you and me?_ " He asked gingerly.

Olivia let out a small giggle.

" _He knows it all… my feelings, my emotions, everything…_ "

Elliot nodded. " _So, that's why I'm getting the cold shoulder?_ " He asked, looking to her with his eyebrow cocked.

Olivia snorted and shook her head.

" _He's not threated by you. He's pissed because you hurt the woman he loves. He's watched me… self destruct a good few times and a couple of those times involved you…_ " She told him.

" _I'm sorry._ " He said honestly.

Olivia shrugged.

" _It's in the past. Let's leave it there…_."

" _Agreed._ " He said.

Elliot came to a halt as it was time for them to part ways to their designated vehicles. " _You gonna come for fourth of July?_ " He asked quietly. Olivia glanced at Ed for a moment. " _I have to talk it over with Ed, but most likely, yeah._ "

He smiled. " _Good._ " Elliot said. " _See you then._ "

" _I have the same number… use it._ " She said, pointing a finger at him in warning. He laughed and they went their separate ways.

When Olivia finally made it to the passenger's seat of the car, Ed was staring at her.

" _You okay?_ " He asked lightly.

" _Yeah, I think so._ " She replied, giving him a small smile and grabbing his hand. " _I'm sorry for making you wait…_ "

" _I would have waited all night if it meant you got closure from that guy…_ " He said honestly, picking their joined hands up so he could kiss her hand which was on top.

" _I love you, Olivia._ " He said.

Olivia used her free hand to caress his cheek and then she leaned in for a tender kiss.

" _I love you too, Ed…_ " She said. " _Nothing will ever change that. Ever._ "

…

Two months later, Olivia and Ed had managed to take Noah to the Stabler's house for the fourth of July. It was a nice get together. A decent amount of people.

Olivia and Ed had had a small wedding about a month after she'd run into Elliot. It had already been previously planned and a small group of their friends attended. It was perfect. Everything that Olivia could have ever wanted. She held Noah while saying her vows and Noah held their rings in a small baggie.

She'd worn a nice, knee length cream colored dress. Olivia couldn't have been happier.

She was just as happy at the fourth of July bash too, showing off her new husband. It was clear they were still in the honeymoon phase.

Occasionally, Kathy would be watching Olivia, and Olivia didn't mind. She'd do the same thing given the same situation. Both women were friendly to each other.

It was a happy medium. Olivia Benson finally had everything that she ever wanted in life.


End file.
